


Bad Days

by croissantbleu



Series: Bad Days [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Depression, Drabble, I Don't Even Know, just different kinds of bad days depression can induce, just indulging myself tbh, not that it matters, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 11:57:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13546842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/croissantbleu/pseuds/croissantbleu
Summary: "Sometimes, Dirk has bad days."Or the one where I write myself out of a depressing episode by projecting on Dirk again





	Bad Days

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very self indulgent and kinda therapeutic drabble, but since I spent some time on it, might as well post it

Sometimes, Dirk has bad days. He has good days too, of course. In fact, the majority of his days are mostly fine. But sometimes, they're bad

Sometimes, everything is too loud and everything is too much, and there are too many thoughts going around and around and around in his head and he just… shuts down. Gets up from his chair and walks out of the office without a word, so quietly he could almost leave unnoticed. Todd has learned that the best thing to do in these moments is just to leave him alone for a little while. He knows he’ll walk back in when he feels better and his head doesn’t feel like it’s swarming with bees anymore, and he’ll smile at Todd as if to say  _ “hey, I’m fine. I’m okay now” _ and Todd just makes sure to tell him about whatever he might have missed while he was gone. And sometimes, when she’s also at the office, Farah comes to sit on the corner of his desk to tell him about unbelievable things that happened to her throughout her training, because she knows Dirk loves this kind of stories and it’s her way of trying to cheer him up a little.

Sometimes, he’s just  _ angry _ . Angry at everything. Because none of this is  _ fair _ , and why is it all happening to him, and did he do anything to deserve this? And he just feels like punching something but that's not like him at all so he doesn't, and it all just builds up seemingly endlessly as he keeps it all for himself because they're  _ his _ problems and he doesn't feel quite ready to share them with anyone yet. 

Sometimes, getting through the day is harder than it should be, and sometimes Dirk wishes he wasn't so used to it.

Sometimes, it’s the kind of bad days he hates the most. Sometimes, the numbness takes over his mind and nothing seems real and Dirk can barely remember what it’s like to  _ feel _ anything, because it’s just as if he was buried in cotton wool and couldn’t feel anything because this unbearable numbness has taken over everything. 

Sometimes, in these moments he's not sure if he's awake or deeply asleep. Alive or dead. And despite his beating heart, sometimes he doesn't quite feel alive.

And he hates those days, but when it’s happening he can barely muster the energy to get out of bed, even less feel anything remotely close to hate. Nothing seems worth any effort, and he could easily spend the day just lying in bed and staring at the ceiling if it wasn’t for Todd making sure he got up and had something to eat when he wakes up and sees Dirk just lying on his back next to him and barely even blinking.

Sometimes, Dirk wonders what he would do without Todd.

But he knows that’s not fair. He knows that’s not true.

Todd helps. A lot. It helps to actually have a friend (boyfriend) he can talk to if he needs to. And he knows Todd knows what it’s like, because Todd has bad days too. He’s just better at dealing with them without doing anything stupid. Dirk has done a number of stupid things before, just because why not? Okay, maybe there was a long list of reasons to  _ not _ do them, but he didn’t really care at the time. He just wanted to do something, to try and feel  _ something _ . He has to say, he’s glad he has better alternatives now.

But the bad days are still there, and they won't completely go away forever any time soon. Dirk knows that. 

But if they can go away for just a few hours, and leave room to more good days, Dirk thinks that's a good place to start.


End file.
